Broken Dreams comp broke, will update when fixed
by WindSorceress
Summary: What if going to London was the worst decision she ever could have made? What if nothing turned out how she thought it would? As Jude’s life spirals out of control can she find her way back or will she burn out? Unlike any you've read. Jommy of course!
1. Death of An Era

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Instant Star characters, unfortunately.

A/N: Starts a few months after the end of the series. Might use a few of her songs from earlier seasons. I haven't decided yet. Some things in this story may not be realistic, but that's why it's fiction. POV may change throughout the story, not sure. Sorry if you think its too short, made it to 2000 words. Was almost 5 pages in microsoft works. Rated M just in case, not sure how angsty and or how much swearing and stuff will be in it.

Summary:

What if going to London was the worst decision she ever could have made? What if nothing turned out how she thought it would? As Jude's life spirals out of control can she find her way back or will she burn out?

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Chapter One: Death of an Era

Jude dragged herself out of bed, groaning from the worst hangover. This was almost a daily occurrence these days. She thought her life would be this amazing rock star life, but away from everyone she ever loved, she quickly learned it would be anything but. Stumbling her way to the bathroom she turned on the shower. She barely managed to get her clothes off before she climbed in. The hot water felt good on her skin, which felt so very numb. Tears streamed down her cheeks, but she washed them away with the water. This was the only time she let tears escape her. No matter what pain she felt she never let anyone know she cried. It was the one thing in her life she still had control over. After almost 45 minutes she climbed out of the shower and wrapped a towel around herself. She walked into her room threw on a black t-shirt, jeans, a scarf, and a pair of sneakers. She quickly ran a brush through her short red hair and made her way into her kitchen. (A/N: Her hair is back to the vibrant red it was in the first season and is cut shorter in back, longer in front, none of her hair reaches her shoulders. Its that short.) Grabbing an apple from the fridge she slowly made her way to the front door, lingering by the basement door that once held her studio. She had locked that door months ago and planned on never opening it again. Just then there was a knock on the door. Jude walked to the door and opened it up revealing her friend slash ex-nurse Tierney.

"Hey you, glad to see you're awake. How you feeling today," Tierney asked Jude as they walked out of the house and Jude locked it behind her. They had plans to go into town for some serious R and R as Tierney had called it.

Jude had ended up buying a house outside the city walls when she had first arrived in London. Better for privacy and all that. That's how her accident had managed to stay out of the papers, which she was eternally grateful for because she didn't want anyone back home to know. They would have just come out of pity and she didn't want that. She would suffer alone. Jude gave Tierney that 'how do you think its going' look and Tierney just sighed heavily.

"It is going to be okay Jude, I promise. You just have to have faith;" Tierney smiled at Jude as she opened the passenger side door for Jude.

Jude hadn't driven in months. Not since she had her accident. It was just too painful and scary. She went into panic attacks every time she got behind the wheel of a car. Four months ago everything had seemed so perfect. She had decided to come to England when she was offered a record contract and Tommy was finally hers and he wanted to marry her. But she couldn't do it, she was too scared. Afraid he might change his mind again and leave her. She couldn't take that pain again so instead she lied and told him she wanted to go alone. She needed to live the rock star life had been her excuse. And he had let her go cause he loved her. So off to England she went, all alone, and that's when everything went wrong. Just a week after she moved, signed a contract, and bought a house she had a horrible accident. She was driving along a back road late at night when she lost control, flew off the road and crashed into a very large tree. She managed to not be too injured amazingly enough, save for one thing that would change her life forever. Her voice.

"You did remember your voice maker right? I don't want to play the guessing game all day long."

Jude pulled out a small electronic gadget and typed into it. "Why not, it could be fun," An electronic voice said. Then Jude smirked at Tierney, knowing how much that stuff annoyed her.

"You are such a pain in the ass, you know that," Tierney sighed at her.

"Yes but that's why you love me," The voice said.

"Part of it anyways. I would love you more if you would stop being so down. They said it might not be permanent, and besides, you met me didn't you? That's something good right? You need to learn to see the good with the bad."

Jude sighed. She didn't know how she could find any good in this. The accident had crushed her larynx or some such doctor babble nonsense and now she couldn't talk. They had preformed a surgery that could give her back her voice or some of her voice at the very least. But she may also never get it back at all. The doctors just couldn't be sure. Which bothered Jude a lot. Doctors are not supposed to be unsure. They're supposed to know everything that's their job.

"Jude quit wallowing. This is relax day remember," Tierney said, the annoyance evident in her voice. She loved Jude, but all this drinking and self-pity crap was just not good for her.

"What would you like me to do? I've lost the one thing I had left in life that gave me meaning. That gave me purpose. Without it I have nothing left," The electronic voice said. "I hate living this way. I wish that accident had killed me."

"Don't you dare talk like that Jude. I never want to hear those kinds of words again," She yelled. "And I mean it. I will have you forcefully locked up if that's what it takes to get through to you."

"You would do that to me? After everything I've lost?"

"Yes, if it meant saving you from yourself. I can't take this any longer Jude. It's killing me to watch you spiraling out of control. You hardly ever go anywhere anymore and your always drunk. It's not good for you. You need to stop this madness once and for all," Tierney sighed pulling into a parking spot.

Jude wasn't sure where they were until she heard a very loud noise and realized they were at the airport. "What are we doing here? Why have you brought me to the airport?"

"I packed your bags Jude, I'm taking you home," Tierney said turning to look at Jude.

"No, no, no, you can't do this to me, you cant," The voice said to her.

"Oh yes I can. You need to go home and face the ones you love. You have been hiding for way too long and it's time you face your fears. I know you're scared and angry, but it really is for the best. You need your family. They don't even know what's happened to you. And you need Tommy, no matter what you say," Tierney ranted out at Jude.

"No, I don't. I moved on and I'm sure he has too. And Sadie is off on her honeymoon with Kwest. And Jamie is busy with his record label and stuff. And Speed is too busy with his career and his wife. I have nothing back there for me. Nothing."

"Your sister will be home eventually. Your friends will make time for you. And on the Tommy note, I know you still love him. It's so clear across your face its not even funny."

"And what of my accident and the fact that I no longer can talk. And of this oh so lovely scar I have across my neck," The voice said as Jude pulled off the scarf she was wearing revealing a large scar on the front of her neck from her surgery. "I can't face them like this. I'm not the girl they once knew, I'm different. I can never be their Jude again. Their Jude died in that accident."

"I don't care what you say, your getting on that damn plane. End of story," Tierney said sternly as she got out of the car and started loading Jude's bags onto a cart. She then walked to the other side of the car and yanked Jude out. "Let's go. Now."

"No Tierney. I'm not going back there. I'm not. I managed to keep this from them and I don't have any plans to change that."

"I don't care of your plans. Your going now start walking or I'm dragging your scrawny ass and you know I can take you skinny mini."

Tierney was 5'11" and weighed quite a bit. She did boxing in her spare time. Jude knew she could take her so she followed her into the airport. Tierney held their tickets in her hand. They headed to where their flight was taking off. "Your coming with me," The voice asked.

"Yes, I took some time off. I knew you would need me. And I need to make sure you won't just land there and then get on some other plane."

Jude smirked at that. She had been planning exactly that. Tierney knew her way too well. They made it through baggage check and then boarded the plane together. Jude was dreading this more then words could say. She had been so grateful that no one from the states knew of her accident. Her contract and been cancelled, leaving Jude a free agent due to her condition, but even that had been kept quiet as per Jude's request. She had her lawyer's draw that up when the company had asked her if she would cancel her contract with them to save money and such. She knew her career was over anyways so she didn't care if she had a contract as long as they told no one she had left the company.

"It will be okay Jude, you'll see," Tierney said taking her hand in hers as the plane took off.

Jude sighed and looked out the window. She hoped so, but she really didn't see this being okay. The Jude they knew and loved really had died in that accident. All that was left was a shell of a girl they once knew. She really didn't want to go back there. Everything there would just remind her she had lost everything that had ever mattered to her.

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So what did you guys think? It's my first Instant Star fic. I love all the stories but they are very much the same so I thought I would do something a bit different. Review and let me know what you think please. Will hopefully post the next chapter tomorrow. I'm hoping to have the time to write.

~ Suza ~


	2. Homecomings Aren't So Bittersweet

Disclaimer: I don't own the Instant Star characters.

A/N: Sadie and Kwest eloped just about a week before my story started. If in italics it means a character is thinking.

Chapter 2: Homecomings Aren't So Bittersweet

The plane landed in Toronto and Jude dreaded getting off it. She didn't think she could handle facing everyone again, not like this. She really wished she had a drink right now. Facing this would be so much easier if she were drunk.

"Come on you, time to go," Tierney said pulling on Jude's arm.

"I can't do this Tierney. I just can't," The voice spoke. Jude had a true look of terror in her eyes.

"Yes you can Jude. I know you can. Where is the Jude Harrison who faced down everything life threw at her and then some? She was fearless."

"Yeah and she died in that crash. I told you that already. My way of coping was music Tierney. Don't you get it? Without music I have nothing. I am nothing. And there isn't anything I can do about it."

"Get you scrawny ass up now. I'm sick and tired of your crap," Tierney yelled. She knew she shouldn't get so mad at Jude, but she just couldn't help it. She hated watching her friend get so out of control.

Jude finally stood up and walked off the plane behind Tierney. There was no fighting that woman, she could kick her ass and then some. "So where are we staying? You didn't mention that to me," The voice said.

"Well, I knew you would be mad. I talked to your family and they said we could stay at the house. They said since technically you bought it from them so they could keep it so it was rightfully yours anyways," Tierney sighed, hoping Jude wouldn't kill her for this.

"Are you crazy? I can't live there. And I bought it so Sadie would have a place to live. That's where her and Kwest are going to live."

"Actually, they plan to live at Kwest's when they return from their honeymoon. I checked it out with everyone before I made my decision. And I think you need something from your past. Something that might make you feel like part of the world again," Tierney smiled at her. "It will be fine. I promise. You'll see."

Jude couldn't see this ever being fine. Her old house would just remind her even more of everything she lost. They got all their luggage and loaded it on to a cart and headed outside. Tierney had ordered a car before getting on the plane and it was all ready and waiting for them when they got outside. She quickly loaded everything into the car. Jude climbed into the passenger side and waited for Tierney. Tierney climbed in and tried to talk to Jude, but Jude just continued to look out the window in silence. Knowing it was best not to press the issue Tierney stayed quiet for the rest of the car ride.

They pulled into Jude's driveway a little while later. Jude sighed heavily and got out of the car. She didn't even bother to help Tierney with the luggage. She just headed straight to the front door, found the hidden key and went inside. Jude knew her parents always kept alcohol in the house. She quickly walked into the kitchen, grabbed the first bottle she found, and started downing it before Tierney could stop her.

"Jude no," Tierney yelled walking into the kitchen after setting everything down in the living room. "You need to stop this." She tried to take it from Jude, but Jude took off running and made it to her room before Tierney could catch her. She quickly locked the door and slid down to the ground. "Jude open this door right now. I mean it. You can't keep doing this to yourself. It's not good for you."

"Leave me alone. You dragged me here against my will. I'm going to drink if I want to drink damn it," The voice said through the door. Jude could hear her still standing outside her door and waited to be yelled at some more. After several minutes of silence Jude heard Tierney's footsteps walk away and down the stairs. It seemed she had given up, for now anyways. Jude sighed and took another big swig of her alcohol. Completely oblivious to what Tierney had planned.

Several hours later Jude laid sprawled across her floor, empty bottle in hand, wishing she had grabbed a second bottle. She wasn't drunk enough yet. She could still feel and it hurt. Jude heard footsteps approaching her door and sighed heavily. She knew Tierney would be back. She wasn't stupid enough to believe she would give up. She just didn't realize that Tierney wouldn't be alone.

"Jude Harrison open up this door immediately or I'm breaking it down," A male voice said from outside her door. Jude recognized it immediately and felt her heart drop to her feet. She carefully stood up and walked to the door, truly not ready to face the man that stood behind it. She slowly unlocked the door and opened it, staring into the face of a man she never planned on seeing again. She was really wishing she were drunk now. Tears threatened to escape her eyes, but she somehow managed to keep them in. Jude gave Tierney a look that said 'if looks could kill'.

"What? Did you think I was going to let yourself stay locked in there drinking? And being all self-pity like? I don't think so," Tierney said to Jude. "So I went out and found me someone I knew could talk some sense into you. I'll just leave you two alone." With that said Tierney turned around and heading back downstairs leaving Jude alone with him.

"Going to invite me in or what," He asked her. She moved out of his way and he entered the room. She slowly closed the door and turned around to face him. She was so not ready for this. What was Tierney thinking? Was she trying to kill her? "Your friend came to me sounding really worried about you. I didn't think you would want to see me, but she insisted and now I see why." He pointed to the empty bottle of alcohol on the floor. "You drink that by yourself?"

Jude shook her head yes. She didn't want him here. He was the last person she wanted here. She didn't want him to know about her lack of voice. He would never look at her the same way.

"So you just going to stand there like a fish out of water," He asked looking at her. He could tell by her face that she was upset, but he didn't know why. "Why aren't you saying anything Jude? Talk to me. We're still friends aren't we?"

Those words all but crushed her. She wished more then anything that she could talk to him. Scream at him. Anything would be better then nothing. But most of all she wanted to sing to him. The same lyrics that had been running through her head for months popped up. She drank to try and drown them out, but now, here with him, it was all she could think about.

_'I can't see,_

_I can't feel, _

_I can't breathe,_

_I'm not real,_

_Don't you know you're my everything?_

_I can't see,_

_I can't feel,_

_I can't breathe,_

_I can't heal,_

_Don't you know my whole world is crumbling?'_

She knew she was going to cry, but she was fighting it with all the strength she had left. He was here, in her bedroom, looking at her with that look he saved just for her and she didn't know if she could handle this. Tommy, her Tommy, was standing there in front of her. All she wanted to do was jump into his arm and cry out all the pain she was feeling from these past few months.

"Girl, talk to me, please," He sighed taking a step near her. She took a step back. He could tell she was trying not to cry and it broke his heart. Even though she had ripped his heart from his chest when she decided they couldn't marry and she was going alone, he still loved her. He didn't think he would ever stop loving her. She was the love of his life, his soul mate, and there was nothing he could do to change that.

She couldn't do it. She just couldn't bring herself to use her device to talk to him. Her heart felt like it was breaking all over again. She loved him so much, but he reminded her of everything she had lost and she didn't think she could take it. Just being in the same room with him was tearing her apart bit by bit. She felt like she couldn't breathe. Jude knew if he didn't leave soon she was going to crumble in front of him.

"Jude please, talk to me. I can see that you're upset. And that your scared, but you don't have to be. It hurt a lot when you walked away from us, but I still care about you," He sighed. He was saying this against his better judgment, but he needed her to open up to him. "I will never stop caring about you. Please let me help you."

That was her last straw. Jude couldn't hold it in any longer. Tears starting flowing down her cheeks as she collapsed to her knees. She hated that she was crying in front of someone, especially when that someone was her Tommy, but she couldn't hold it in any longer.

Tommy saw her going down and ran to her side. He tried to pull her into a hug but she pulled away from him, wrapping her arms around herself. It hurt his heart more then words could say not just to see her so broken, but to have her pull away from him. "Jude, I am so sorry. I wasn't trying to upset you more. I'm trying to help. Just let me help you," He sighed, knowing he would cry soon too if he wasn't careful.

Jude just shook her head at him. She was hoping he would just get annoyed with her and leave. She didn't want him knowing she no longer had a voice. She also didn't want him around. It hurt way too much. Most of all she wanted a drink. Something to numb the pain she was feeling.

"Jude damn it talk to me. I am not leaving until you talk to me," He yelled, getting to his feet, strolling over to her bed, and sitting down.

Jude knew he wasn't going to leave unless she said something. As soon as she had enough control over her crying she stood up and strolled over to where she had set her device down. She could feel his eyes on her. She picked up the device and walked over to him, stopping a couple feet in front of him. She truly didn't want to do this, but he wouldn't leave and her heart couldn't take him being here anymore. "I can't talk to you because I no longer have a voice," Her device said to him.

Tommy's eyes shot up instantly at the sound of the device's voice. He watched as Jude slowly removed the scarf she had been wearing and gasped at the scar on her neck. "What happened? What do you mean you have no voice," He cried. Trying very hard to keep himself composed.

"I was in a car accident in England. I was driving along a back road and lost control of my car and slammed into a tree. I crushed my larynx or something and they did a surgery on it, but they're just not sure whether or not I will ever get my voice back," The voice said.

"Jude, girl, why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you let anyone know," He asked. He was in complete shock. Music meant everything to Jude. This had to have utterly crushed her. No wonder she was drinking. Her voice was like honey and now it was gone. His beautiful, wonderful Jude was broken and they didn't know if it could be fixed? How could this have happened? She deserved the world, not this.

"I didn't want anyone to know. I'm not the Jude everyone knew before. That Jude died months ago. Now I want you to leave Tommy."

"Jude, no, let me help you. You need people around that care about you now more then ever," He said standing up. She backed away from him shaking her head.

"No, what I need is to be left in peace. You being here reminds me of everything I have lost. So if you really care as you claim you do you will leave now and never come back."

"You don't mean it. There's no way you could truly want me to go girl," He sighed. "I know you chose to leave me and I'll admit it killed me. But I also see the look in your eyes that you used to give me. I know you still care. And against my better judgment, considering you ripped my heart out; I still care about you."

"I don't care about you Tommy. I stopped long ago," The voice said. She prayed she could keep a straight face as she lied to the love of her life. "That's why I left you and that's why I didn't let you to know I was injured. Now, for the sake of my piece of mind, I need you to leave and never come back. I can't be a part of the music world anymore and it's a lot easier to deal with and handle if I don't have to see your face. You are nothing to me anymore Tommy. Now go." She could see the pain those words had caused him, but stayed strong and didn't let him see she cared. She could swear she saw tears in his eyes as he turned and stormed out of her room. She quickly shut and locked the door before falling to the ground sobbing. She hated to hurt him, but she knew he never would have left any other way. And him being around her just reminded her more and more of what that accident had done to her. Her voice was gone and with it her soul had died.

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Well that's all for now folks, thanks for reading and thank you to those you did review, it means a lot. Will update again as soon as I can, I do work this week, but I should still be able to write, I get several hours to myself everyday.

On a side note the lyrics are solely mine and I would appreciate no one using them for any other story. I actually wrote them about some I care about. They just fit so well in my story I had to use them.

Jess - Thank you so much! My first reviewer. It means a lot to me. Thanks on the plot comment. I know it's sad about her voice, but everything is so overdone, I wanted something new, different. And it makes for a good story. I hope I updated soon enough for you.

pnkt644 - Yep, I'm sure this is my first Instant Star fan fiction. I'm so glad you like it so much. And I am very glad to have you interested! Thanks for the review.

JENJEN87 - It's awesome to hear that you can already tell this is going to be good. I'm trying. I hope you liked this new chapter. Thank you very much for the awesome review.

oh little j - Thank you so much! I hope you like the reactions so far. There are many more to come. I'm hoping to keep everyone in suspense. It's what I live for. Hope I updated soon enough for you as well. I tried.


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